Teaching Resources & Support
Really Bad Jokes
I tend to have young candidates in my classes. I love a good joke, but a professional instructor should match the humour to the relationship, and role separation, between the instructor and candidates. Off-colour, racist or discriminatory, and otherwise jokes in poor taste are taboo. This actually opens up a wonderful world of "corny" jokes - puns for the most part and they generally offend no one. A good guideline is: if you can tell the joke to a child in front of their parents - you're probably okay. And then again, some people are just easily offended...
I claim little and only some originality
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't. I've cut off your arms."
Why did Beethoven kill the chicken? Because it was going "Bach, Bach, Bach."
What do you call a bear with no ear? B~
How many ears did Davey Crockett have? Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either.
What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patti O'Furniture.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. Unique up on it.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
What do you call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
Knock Knock - Who's there? Stink Heap… (say this one out loud).
We painted the floor with luminous paint. So now the fluorescent what it used to be.
A set of booster cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Ok, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
What did the tie say to the hat? "You go on ahead and I'll just hang around."
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes Whack! "Dang!" A bad skydiver goes "Dang!" Whack!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call 4 bullfighters in quicksand? Quattro sinko.
Did you hear about the guy who got injured at the upholstery factory? He's recovered now.
Two cell phones got married. The service wasn't great but the reception was excellent.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer.
The other day I went to buy some camouflage pants but I couldn't find any.
A duck goes into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?" The clerk says, "Sorry, no grapes." Disappointed, the duck leaves. The next day the duck goes back to the store and asks, "Got any grapes?" The clerk, annoyed, says, "No, we don't have grapes." The duck leaves. The 3rd day, the duck goes back and asks, "Got any grapes?" The clerk, fed up, yells, "Look, we don't have grapes and if you ask me again, I'll staple your feet to the floor!" Terrified, the duck runs out of the store. The next day, the duck goes back to the store. The clerk looks at the duck and snaps, "What do you want?!" The duck very quietly asks, "Got any staples?" A little surprised, the clerk replies, "No, we don't have staples." So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
What do ducks get after they eat? A bill.
Why don't oysters donate to charities? Because they're shellfish.
What do polar bears get when they sit on the ice too long? Polaroids.
They are now training mice to be Lifeguards. Their first class is in mouse to mouse resuscitation.
What is the best treatment for an injured toe? Call a tow truck.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He submitted 10 different puns, hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I told my shrink I had no self esteem and felt like a grain of sand on the beach; he told me I need to be a little boulder.
A ten year, ten million dollar, government study showed that you can make very good money on government studies.
A recent government study indicated that research causes cancer in mice.
Recently a pan-handler told me that he hadn't had a bite in days; so I bit him.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
How do rabbits laugh? "Hare, hare, hare!"
What do you call a dog with no legs. Doesn't matter, it's not coming.
What do drunks do when they meet? Shake.
Two pies in an oven. One says, "Boy it's hot in here!" The other pie says, "Wow, a talking pie!"
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Wiz? Cheese Was.
How do you stop a charging bull? Take away his credit cards.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist say, "I wish I could help you, but I'm a dentist." The man says, "I know." The dentist responds with, " So why did you come in my office?" The man states, "Your light was on."
A duck walks into a drug store and says to the pharmacist, "I would like a tube of Lip Balm, and put it on my bill please."
A priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. The bar tender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
How many six cent stamps in a dozen? 12
What are ghosts favourite fruit? Boo berries.
Where does Batman relieve himself? In the batroom.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to a seafood disco last week .. and pulled a mussel.
Two hunters sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it caught fire and sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Amahl.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
Common phrase heard in a Klingon hair salon: "today is a good day to dye!"
What do you call fish with no eyes? F~sh
Tourists at Beethoven's grave site recently heard odd sounding music coming from the grave. The official government explanation is that the composer is decomposing.
What do you say to a horse? Hey, why the long face?
What do you get when you cross a bull dog with a Shih Tzu ? (Okay this one's not safe with young kids, but it is funny!)
What's brown and sits on the piano bench? Beethoven's last movement.
How do you weigh a whale? Take it to the whale weigh station.
What do classically trained musicians take on all shopping trips? A Chopin Liszt.
What did the toilet say to the cop? "I've seen more bums than you have."
Did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out? It's rated: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Pirate's favourite letter? The "C"
How do fish stay thin? They eat fish.
How do fish know exactly how much they weigh? They have scales.
What are the ground rules in sky diving? The ground rules.
A pun at adulthood is fully groan.
I've been diagnosed with kleptomania; I'm taking something for it.
I'm allergic to jail; when I'm in one, I break out.
Sure signs your NLS instructor or Lifeguard is nuts:
- They get jealous when students show too much attention to the resuscitation manikin.
- They insist on wearing a speedo and it's 2 sizes too small.
- They insist that David Michael Hasselhoff (Bay Watch fame) is a living god.
- They use liquid chlorine as cologne
- When someone drowning yells "HELP!" - they yell back "RESCUE THIS MORON!"
- They use the word "priapism" too often